Subconscious Mind & The Reality Hunger World

Fanfuckintastic. I woke up; and I said "Mysti you need to go find a job" so what did I do? I went and filled out applications today. The gma found out about my piercing.  Letting me keep it :] Went to the Rodeo as well; it was a fucking blast! Omg. I saw some old friends; I rode the mechanical bull; amazing hahaha. Such an adrenaline rush omg. Then danced a little;

I lit up a cigarette; and just as I did that Ray walked up. Looked at me all funny all I said was "I knoooww' hahaha. He's awesome. Then we went home after a while I FELT SO BAD I thought brandon had a ride; and he didn't. Oiii I felt like a dickhead; haha. I got home; and ray was like "Mom wants to talk to you; and after you visit her come visit me" haha so I did and he rolled a joint; and we smoked; and talked; bonding time. Bitchin! funnest time ever. Then tomorrow; I'mma party after work with ky & some other friends. It'll be fun. I'll just stay at ky's house; and i can walk to work the next day. Oii i have to pee but I don't wanna walk down my stadders (Note: Not stupid; just thats just the name we came up for the apparatus that allows me to enter my room. Theory: Stairs & A Ladder had sex; leading to the almost impossible when you're intoxicated to get up....Stadders. TADA!}

 

Oi Okay I need to go to bed haha
PEACE OUT!

Today is going to be a good day :] I can feel it. it can't be much worse than any other day; I still haven't ate; but i'm not too worried about it. I find myself really infatuated with a friend lately; if he knew I'd kill myself. We flirt a LOT. It's odd, but fun at the same time.

I feel your deep devotion
Dive into my ocean
Drink some of my potion of love
Come quench my desire
Fill me up with fire
You know it's never enough

Dance the dance of lovers
I don't need no other
To ride the waves of pleasure and pain
Come on boy, obey me
Lick my boots to please me
Maybe I will loosen your chains

You need to be punished
And it will never finish
You are just a dog on a leash
Lick me baby lick me
Let me make you happy
But only if you're begging me please

I can break your will
I can make you kneel
I can force you to crawl and to lick my heels
Cause the power is mine

Sexy song :]

dsfggsdfa;sidmf ai'm so bored. I really want a cigarette; It's been almost a week without one. It BLOOWS. I have a lot of scars on my hand. I got jipped on my prescription; they usually give me three months at a time; but they only gave me one. On well; it's not like I"m getting laid anytime soon so I dont' really care haha.

Ben called me the other night. Totally unexpected. Of course he was drunk; thats the only time he can allow himself talk to me about what he feels. He started to almost cry it was somewhat cute; it drove me insane for a couple days then I asked him why he did it. He told me he can't talk to anyone really if he's not drunk anymore. Sad, my best friend is becoming an alcoholic. great. What can I do though hm? He may come up on the 25...i don't know though. that's a lot of money that i dont' have right now. :( I really want him to but one] i'm not sure i'll ahve the money; two] i dk if it's a good idea. oh well; i'm having a good day.

Peace.

Dresden dolls are my savior currently; I'm having one of those "Nothing realy matters anymore" days; and I'm aware of it; which is good; becuase I can think before I say something and stop before I say it and make it sound worse than it is. So marijuana isn't bad for you; I know this; or at least in my opinion but I haven't been the most sober of people in about a month and a half; I'm sure I'll end up hanging out with someone today; and get high that way since I ran out day before yesterday; it's becoming ridiculous. A little bit.

I really don't even feel like talking about what's made me feel this way; i just kind of woke up thsi way; then went through this huge argument between nana & I that would go on if I said anything about the dishes, in my head; and it upset me becuae I knew exactly how that would go; and ray would take her side. and excuse her actions with "well that's how she's always been; you dno't know half of it" I shouldn't have to know any of that ......bitter.

That's what I am today; bitter.

 

Indeed I can; and absolutely frustrated with this man thing (vague term for the unknown status of the previously stated)  of my friends. Putting me in awkward situations; and the possibility of conflict between my best friend. She's a great gal and she doesn't deserve this; she's made mistakes; but so has everyone else; and there's really no excuse for this; this is just one of the few frustrations currently.

The other is the Gma, and her new glued to the hip boyfriend. But of course; I'm the one with social problems I guess.

 

Problem One: Boys = Gay Fest. At least the gay ones. The ones that play the games they don't like to have them played on. I'm not a pawn on this chess board and I will not become one.  It's frustrating and I wish it would fucking stop. Just return my mp3 player and.....stop calling? This all started a while back; when the flirting escapade happened with Dakota; then it just amplified after that with josh; really sucked because Ky & I stopped hanging out as much afterwards due to the fact it pissed her off more when I was around and he would do it: and I didn't need to be in that situation becuase it made me feel really awkward and on the spot. So I just stayed home after school more; and avoided him at all costs. she comes to my house more to say. I feel like all this is to piss off Ky which worked when I told her today over the phone. I feel terrible ruining her day. Though cleaning cabins didn't seem all that great in the first place. If he does show up again; I'll tell him straight up he needs to stop; Bros before hoes; and he's the hoe. Ky's my girl; (or bro becuase she's not a mushroom kind of guy :]) I just don't need this anymore; its' ridiculous. And dumb; and it's not fair to either one of us (ky & I) I hope she kicks him in the balls. hahaha.

 

Problem Two: The legacy of the grandmother/grand daughter saga continues; it went into intermission for about 2 months. I told her "I don't care if you date; just don't get married; and don't make me dependent on him" I should have included in the list "Don't become a bitch"  It's obvious that she's happy and i'm happy she's happy; but the level of communication and the crying about "Oh you don't spend time with me" has ceased due to this man Oi....anyways; I'm not really included in any plans; and the new boyfriend (sherman) has been over VERY frequently. They went out yesterday; and they're now in st.cloud with my aunt that I don't get to see very often; and she didn't seem very enthused about me going this morning when I asked. And I already know if I say "Hey ever since you and Sherman have been dating more; we don't see eachother and i'm not included into too many of your plans" I willg et the response or...attack of "wlel when you date you don't include me in a lot of plans of yours either" I'm a teenager how many places would she want to go with me and my friends who just walk around town all the time; shes nver home anyways; so what does it really matter? It's a never ending war becuase I'll never get an apology or a legit "Hey okay we'll go out together just you and me' something will get "in the way" or "sherman dies" or something...okay that was harsh but still.

So this morning [the reasoning of this post and the last straw] I got up this morning to tell her "hey I don't have to go to work" and she's like "okay cool I can get going earlier" then I say " So I guess I can't go?" she says " I never said that" and I say "Well I don't feel very invited" and she says "well I'm not ocming home tonight" and I think "wow you'd have to go five miles out of your way to take me home..." I lay on the couch and think about all the time she's home she never spends any with me; except the half hour in the car with me to help me get my license which she didn't even drive me the last time. "DOn't make me dependent on him" As she has him driive me down to alex to see a friend....bitch. I don't know this is just...angering...I don't wanna deal with these stupid problems they're sort of petty in a way but they're not

 

 

 

I haven't really been sober in a month either. Wonderful huh? Yeah high everyday; today I have no more weed left smoked this morning after nana left...can't find my bowl; just my bong...I feel like i've really disapointed Ben when I told him that...I haven't been sober since just before he left...which is almost a month ago...I dont' think it's a problem..well maybe; but I dno't sit there and go "Wow I really need some weed" sometimes I go "i wish I had some" but i never NEED IT. It always comes to me; and through out this whole weed binge; I've only spent twenty bucks. So; at least I'm not living an expensive life. Spending money I don't have. I'm gonna go though

Peace
<3M

of this high right now; is incredible. the paintings look fantastic; and so do the lights. The smell of the room is pretty shady but i prevented any invaders in to my little sanctuary. I wish they wouldn't come up here; but oh well. Watched part of bugs...crazy. I couldn't watch it all at once. I'm glad I wasn't watching it with someone who talks through movies; i enjoyed it.

WHen I walk im not moving; it's the world floating under my feet spinning. That would be sweet. if walking on the ground was an illusion; you just spun the world....insane. I'm fuckin baked. hahaha.

Out of the almost month...i have been sober for about...five days....I think I need to cut back. I odn't know if it's me just filling something when i'm not high; or...i'm just not worrieda bout it all and i just smoke becuase i can. My lungs always feel relieved after i smoke a bowl;but...then again maybe that'sn ot the feeling of relief...but it feels good to me. I am talking like a retard. Fragments; and very poorly put together phrases. Yikes. I was thinking of happy vomits today....sounds weird; but there's ar eally good time behind it.

*flashback*

Justin & I wanted to surprise Ben. We told Nate to find a way to meet us; and make him surprised; soo we drove down there; and I guess Ben had been having a TERRIBLE day; and we met them at holiday station; and the look at ben's face when he saw me was so priceless he got out of the car and hugged me and kissed me; and jumped on nate's hood. it was a really happy moment. he spun me around so fast; and that mixed with the nerves of going down there; amde me sick so when we started moving in the car...i was like "stop I have to puke" lol; and I vomitted in the parking lot....and ben said they were Happy Vomits. hahaha..

I miss him. I really do; I notice his ways of showing he cares. It still gives me that motivation and when something is wrong he's concerned, he tries to hide it and I can tell;b ut after our talk a few nights back...I know he still does...:) I'm not going to sit here and be like "wah i can't have fun" becuase i totally can if I wanted to and to be honest about it with him;b ut i just don't really want to; I have better things to accomplish than a man in my life. Yup; i need to think of college and stuff; nana made it seem so far to reach; crazy. I couldn't help but think at the time "but what if I could move to seattle" *Slap* GO AWAY EIGTH GRADER! YOU HAVE LIFE TO LIVE> I hate that girl whens he comes into my head; There's no stable rleationship under my feet; nothing to say that he DOES care but one conversation; don't go thinking about some future iwth a boy you don't know about at the moment. "COLLEGE! GO TO COLLEGE!" smart responsible mysti. "I don't..really want to" Irresponsible Mysti; shows really no concern for much of anything...:] but luckily she didn't kcik in. anyways; i sound like a psycho talking about this..

i'm going to go.
Peace.
<3M

I don't really have much subconscious writing today. :] But I do have to announce the last cigarette I just had....tasted like burnt popcorn. That would make anyone want to stop smoking. I couldn't even get through it all. haha. Last night was fun. Ky and Nermin came over, and we went to wal mart and they did their usual terrorizing of the premises, and I did the usual "OMG STOP!" and walking away from them. Then we went to DQ and they terrorized that place. hahaha. Then we went to my house, and Nermin and I scraped a bowl for rez because neither of us had any bud. :( That sucked soooooooo much.

JOSH FINISHED MY BONG!!! and my high ass forgot it at Ky's place. Dumb ass. it's sweet though. :] I wove it. can't wait to actually smoke out of it. I'm dying my hair a new color. I got bored with the blonde. It's purple/redish color it's pretty cool. It'll look sweet with my halo (black underneath the hair)

 

okay i've got nothing really interesting to talk about.

just trying to pass time haha.
Peace.

Get lost just to numb the emotions, allow me to breathe. words seem so useless. more and more i see that dark side you kept warning me about, the more lost I get lost into the music. Move me. use me. let every bass drum take me farther into this spiral of an impending doom. faster the drugs seem to appeal to the eye of the fool and even faster to the sane. Lay me down into this everlasting slumber. Let the words take no rhythm, rhyme or sense. Leave them open to interpretation. Define every moment with sincerity and uneducated guesses. The bread crumbs have been taken away and no longer can I find the way back to your ultimate reality, you're "hybrid" race, just let me stay in this infinite ecstasy and drink the finest of heroins. Let this foreshadow something great, something wonderful. Let it give me life to live, and experiences to take. I want to feel the pain of a starving child, the loss of something important, to feel no regret and absolute resentment for something beautiful. To feel the greatest amount of power over mind, and lose it in one breath. Grant me life to give and lessons to teach. but keep me sane. But then again what is sanity? Insanity = Obcession. That's just my theory.What does sanity mean...Can I get lost in it:? Can I see something good in this? What will it lead me too....nowhere. no just light up another one. Allow yourself to die with each inhale. Tell me to quit but frustrate yourself when I don't, or can't. Lost train of thought, and hopped on another one. this one is subtley crazy just casually sipping coffee, allowing it's self to think of ways to dissect every single thought. Break it down, and watch it die. Sanity. the ability to think with the crowd? that's not it. Secrets, lies, and cheats. We make the world go round. Heroin could kill you but may be all need the experience of a true intense addiction to really live life? Trust does it exist, and does it exist another soul Maybe just a prescription or a drug dealr. You can always trust a bottle of prescriptions to never wake you up in the morning. You can always trust the drug dealer to keep hooking you up until you die just for your money, and never come to your funeral. 

 

Art define it. Everything. get lost. That's what I find myself doing everyday. Turn on the music and start to write think. I always tap into you. You've taught me so much. oh well. move on. eyes burning. exhaustion. What am I really feeling? Annoyed a bit. Wish I could have some feed back. You were real. but maybe thats what you wanted from me. more feed back. I'm so taken back by everyword you speak, I have nothing to say. I said I'd quit, but I have no reason to now. You're gone. Not much of a reason for anyything. time seems to be flying past. No room fo rmuch of anything. thoughts seem to clutter and I couldn't begin to tell you which approached me first. I need canvas. And paint. expensive how I've chosen to live. but I'll make it. and the bomb goes off like that, in an instant every feeling, memory, true thought, and lie comes out. It's an intense experience and I'm not going to let it fly from you. I'm on a constant thinking rampage. waging war  upon myself and reality. Absolutely shocked what flows out of my body through the toxic ink, and on to the problem causing paper Webs of mystery and subconscious riddles. Melodies of dreams and wishes, the world can relate to. Don't break this single breath. Let everyting exist for as long as possible. exaggerate every gesture and move. but don't abuse the privelege of life.

Dead. Gone. Nothing amongst the living will know. this type of loneliness I feel as though, you'll never know who I am all the while I'm not writing this. Slowing realizing I'm tapping into that place that you hate where I go. you see right through the screaming face and aching handes made of acrylic and oil. pain. The pastel blends I fade into my favorite place. You were the only one I would allow into my sanctuary. No one really puts two and two together when it comes to our relationship, mostly because I hide you from everyone. You could say I'm a little posessive when it comes to you, and I'm sorry but I truly don't feel safe sharing this love we have. I go into this place that lets everything flow, and when i ahve to write I have to write.

I slept in incredibly late. I feel so crappy now. I hate sleeping late. Oh well. Today is Denelly & I's last day to hang out. :( Oh well. At least I got to see her. that's the best thing. I'm going to try to find a way out of here and get a trip to Montana. :] We really wanna party on our birthdays. We talked about a five day party, because my birthday is the eleventh, and hers is the sixteenth. It would be really fun. Too much drinking though. Oiii. hahaha.

I can't wait to get back home though. i really wanna see brandon again, I miss that kid. :] I should call him today. And Definitely Ky. I HAVE to call her when I get back, surprisingly I msis her too...hahahaha. Just kidding Ky. I wove you. Cahrazy, i'm so tired. I need to have a cigarette...or a bowl. Cigarette for now...bowl later. lol.

 

So trippiest thing happend. Yes I was stoned, but this doesn't matter. We were blowing smoke into a gatorade bottle, and I saw a man in the smoke screaming, pressing up against the bottle cap, and i was like "OH MY GOD OPEN THE BOTTLE LET HIM OUT" and Denelle & Casey just laughed there ass off at me, and i'm like no seriously open the bottle. And Casey did, and after that we kept blowing smoke and they kept asking me if he was in there, but i told them, NO DUH we let him out and now he's free. :]

 

That was my trip of the day...week. Whatever. I hate sleeping twelve hours. Yucky.

Peace.

So I'm sure not everyone is looking for an update, but i'm going through blogging withdrawels. I've been doing well, I'm moved into my new house, and it's amazing. I'm so happy with it. The size is perfect, and I love my room. It's not as spacious, I feel really at home there. it's great.

I've only gotten to live there for about a week before I was sent down to ...wherever i am currently residing in Madison. It's by the SD borders. it's intense. I've been spending my time with my best girl Denelly g. I love that woman. Its' been raining alot, and Casey (her cousin) has been spending the night, and it's never been dull.

today was kind of bland though, I didn't preticularly want to go spend half of my day an hour away to go thrifting, but i did find some good garage sales around town and i got a few new shirts. i look...CUUUUTe in them :] I didn't do my hair like I normaly do today, omg i'm rambling sooo much :]

I am..addicted to the new Britney Spears CD. It's amazing. It's ty's fault too. :]

Oi...Thursday (last thursday) was...AW\KWARD. I came oever to Bens' place so I'd have somewhere to go while I waited for DG to get into town. Well...he was asleep so I woke him up...and he gave me a hug, and then it went from there...yeah...i knew that shouldn't have happened, because I really feel like nothing really meant anything...it was just our teenage hormones kicking in....we're totally nymphos when it comes to eachother...so it's no surprise that it happened but still. Ohw ell at least it wasn't a random guy, and I got some break up sex. I look it at that way, or be depressed,  I think I'll choose to find humor in this. I haven't heard from Curious in a really long time. I wonder what happened. It was after our last chat. rather not get into that. oh well...people come and go.

I'm going to go though.

Not much privacy and I need a smoke.

Peace.

 

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.

I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.


It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it.


It's your grace and it keeps me grounded.


I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.


Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

While you were sleeping I figured out everything,
I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.


You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.

(Oh)

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

(I really do)
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.


Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

 

Best song ever. :]

♥