Intensity

of this high right now; is incredible. the paintings look fantastic; and so do the lights. The smell of the room is pretty shady but i prevented any invaders in to my little sanctuary. I wish they wouldn't come up here; but oh well. Watched part of bugs...crazy. I couldn't watch it all at once. I'm glad I wasn't watching it with someone who talks through movies; i enjoyed it.

WHen I walk im not moving; it's the world floating under my feet spinning. That would be sweet. if walking on the ground was an illusion; you just spun the world....insane. I'm fuckin baked. hahaha.

Out of the almost month...i have been sober for about...five days....I think I need to cut back. I odn't know if it's me just filling something when i'm not high; or...i'm just not worrieda bout it all and i just smoke becuase i can. My lungs always feel relieved after i smoke a bowl;but...then again maybe that'sn ot the feeling of relief...but it feels good to me. I am talking like a retard. Fragments; and very poorly put together phrases. Yikes. I was thinking of happy vomits today....sounds weird; but there's ar eally good time behind it.

*flashback*

Justin & I wanted to surprise Ben. We told Nate to find a way to meet us; and make him surprised; soo we drove down there; and I guess Ben had been having a TERRIBLE day; and we met them at holiday station; and the look at ben's face when he saw me was so priceless he got out of the car and hugged me and kissed me; and jumped on nate's hood. it was a really happy moment. he spun me around so fast; and that mixed with the nerves of going down there; amde me sick so when we started moving in the car...i was like "stop I have to puke" lol; and I vomitted in the parking lot....and ben said they were Happy Vomits. hahaha..

I miss him. I really do; I notice his ways of showing he cares. It still gives me that motivation and when something is wrong he's concerned, he tries to hide it and I can tell;b ut after our talk a few nights back...I know he still does...:) I'm not going to sit here and be like "wah i can't have fun" becuase i totally can if I wanted to and to be honest about it with him;b ut i just don't really want to; I have better things to accomplish than a man in my life. Yup; i need to think of college and stuff; nana made it seem so far to reach; crazy. I couldn't help but think at the time "but what if I could move to seattle" *Slap* GO AWAY EIGTH GRADER! YOU HAVE LIFE TO LIVE> I hate that girl whens he comes into my head; There's no stable rleationship under my feet; nothing to say that he DOES care but one conversation; don't go thinking about some future iwth a boy you don't know about at the moment. "COLLEGE! GO TO COLLEGE!" smart responsible mysti. "I don't..really want to" Irresponsible Mysti; shows really no concern for much of anything...:] but luckily she didn't kcik in. anyways; i sound like a psycho talking about this..

i'm going to go.
Peace.
<3M