A simple word used for so many things.
The showing of aggression; or enlightenment
Depending it's context.
Fuck:an action.
A very good action.
An action which gets looked down upon:
Gets worshipped:
Becomes violent
Becomes sensual
Becomes boring,
Becomes something no one wants.
Why can I get bored of fuck:
but not of the drugs the blades; the drinking:
the pills; the idea of dying. Why is it that I feel
I've accomplished so much but all I truly feel like doing;
Is saying "fuck it" and let go.
why does everything seem so far out of reach:
one second it's there and another it's not worthy.
I'm not worthy. Maybe thats it.
Yeah; I'm not worth a god damn thing but tax money.
Sacrifice is crucial to life;
But all I want to sacrifice is the sun.
Sacrifice the sun; and soil to bury me.
I've bettered myself recently;
But for what; to return back to this;
I took things that fucked me up
And I got rewards but those aren't
helping this voice in my head
whispering "Let go" everytime I pick up the bottle & blade.
It's not like no one sees.
It's not like I do it for them to see.
It's not like I don't hide these railroad tracks for the attention.
It's me feeling better on a wrist that's tattooed with "Breathe"
Because that's all I can do is breathe deeply;
And fall back into complete and pure bliss.
"It's just a phase teenagers go through"
"It's just she can't handle the teenage drama"
"It's just her being over reactive"
A chemical reaction.
Unstable brain waves.
Instability bringing me down.
All these fucked up reasons;
Why can't they just simply say:
"Well she doesn't want to live thats whats wrong with her"
But why does it have to be wrong?
Why can't I just harm myself innocently
why is the alcoholic looked down upon;
What is addiction?
Why am I being treated like a fiend; like a nut job;
when all it is is how I make myself comfortable;
how I make myself deal with the world;
How I can relax in a hot bath;
and bring my silvery friend along with me.
Think of it as a harmless rubber ducky.
Maybe this is truly life.
All we ever have to live for
Is the comforting idea of dying.
We all are walking down different paths
Striving to be unique
To lead wonderful lives;but for what?
So we can all find out;
This path we took so long to cut the brush;
And trudged through swamps for;
Ends in the exact same place.
What three qualities do you look for in a partner?
Submitted by Tenor Bob
1] Someone who can keep up with me in bed
2] A worry free attitude
3] Good back massages & loves to give them :]
]]>Dreams tell us a lot about ourselves that we don't know about; and I've had some really significant things happening in my dreams; that I've been trying to decipher till today when I just gave up and gave into looking it up.
The first dream this happened I was at a carnival serving people (i was a waitress in real life) and i stepped out to have a smoke break; I come back in the tent is FULL of people but they start leaving due to the shitty service; all the while I've been fighting off these spiders the entire time working there; huge spiders; spiders spinning webs; and i go into the back to see what's going on; and Ky is working in my place; and I'm fired; and she's screaming at me over all these things happening with her and her "boyfriend" [complicated] and I wake up.
Second dream; I was trying to save all these animals; my friend Brian is outrageously hung over; I'm trying to do my other friend's hair all the while; trying to find hairdye and trying to get people to help by donating to the animal shelter. I ring the doorbell excessively; absolutely entertained by it; this goes on for a matter of time when this lady answers the door; I speak to her about donating some money; and she invites me inside; her husband is sitting on the floor fighting spiders; they're huge; once again; and another starts spinning a web on the floor; and then I woke up
There's been more dreams but I've realized these are the most significant spider dreams; where they really make a statement;
To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck.
To see a spider spinning a web in your dream, signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will soon find yourself promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You may feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you.
To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.
To dream that you are bitten by a spider, represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship.
To dream that you hear or ring a door bell, indicates that you are open to new experiences. The dream may also be calling attention to something that you have overlooked. Perhaps you do not yet realize that an opportunity is open to you.
To dream that you are saving the life of an animal, suggests that you are successfully acknowledging certain emotions and characteristics represented by the animal. The dream may also stem from feelings of inadequacy or being overwhelmed.
Reading all this is incredibly freaky because i've been having some of those issues really not wanting to do with any of them; pusshing them away; the spiders one every bit of it is what's been going on it's really interesting; At least I haven't been having nightmares. :]
<3M
]]>I've been a film critic since...day one. I came out of the womb probably bitching about how poorly written and thought out the movies were, but I'm a lover of cheesy and cliche. It's one thing to know that the director of the movie was purposely trying to make fun of the idea of cheesy & cliche with whatever stereotypical plot he or she chose. Like Austin Powers for instance. The director didn't go "THIS IS AWESOME" he went "This is fucking funny and everyone will laugh" and though not all of us laughed at this vulgar hairy swinging spy; the people who understood the plot laughed their ass off just at the fact of someone trying to take it seriously.
Their just isn't any orignality anymore; and it saddens me. B. almost killed me last night because I wouldn't let him enjoy Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire for the thousandth time. Every book/movie; Harry Potter is thrown into Hogwarts escaping from his ghastly aunt & uncle; and tossed into this tornado of sporatic events and leading him somewhere in the grasps of Voldemort defeating him somehow or escaping; foreshadowing that the Dark Arts teacher is going to be FUCKED UP somehow. Any real school would just drop that class, but I give Hogwarts kudo's what better way to teach your students the darks arts than putting them in harms way. :| Look at me; I'm actually thinking this through. But back to my point someone took this seriously thinking it was going to be a bad ass movie; but it's not. It's cheesy & cliche made poorly. Eurotrip; cheesy & cliche; but not taken seriously they knew what it was and it was made fantastically capturing all the awesomeness of cheesy & cliche not being taken seriously hahaha.. They knew what they were doing; they didn't warp a cult of Cooper sick kids waiting for the next episode of the series to come out. ONE book was enough! as well as the movie. Stop. Please don't come to me with this deep thoughts on how Harry is such a bad ass! No...no he's not. He's a pansy. =] If anyone is a badass in any of those movies it's Voldemort in the fourth one no better could have played him than Ralph Fiennes. "But Mysti if you hate Harry Potter so much; why do you watch the movies" Becuase A: I could never sit through a book my dad FORCED me to read them that has something to do with it; B: Watching it once is fine; get a feel for it; then PUT it back......C: I'd have NOTHING to rant about, or to please the other crowd of people who despise him just as much as I do. I'm not saying you're a dumbass for watching these movies; and LOVING them with all your worth...just we wouldn't be able to go the movies together unless we went to seperate theaters....that is all.
<3M
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I woke up; and cleaned I am back to my old self; haha.
Weird text message convos from P. weirdo.
Gma & her man thing come back today; I think. I havne't done dishes since she left.
Brando & I were talking and she does NOT act 70. I feel bad that she has to
keep working a full time job though; I appreciate her a lot. that's for sure.
School starts in 2 weeks; not ready.
Last year of highschool; SO ready for that. haha.I just see the winter months dragging on longer than usual; keeping my captive in some damn prison. I wish there was teachers worth listening too as well. Not looking forward to Mr. J's class. He's a babbling idiot; and a perv.
I've noticed that you can learn a lot about people just through their writing style; like today i've read several blogs; and one out of three I could tell this person took a lot of time in writing and thought process only because they cared a lot about what they were writing about; one of them were mine; and people probably think I have ADD I write from topic to topic and I don't put much effort into my blog. And the other blog I read this guy wrote totally out of anger; his words were broken up; his grammar was terrible; but he didn't care because he was angry; been there before. I write in fragments alot when I'm blogging. I take a lot more time in my journal.
Nerds are the herpes of candy. You think you got rid of them; but you didn't they reappear from past times where you dropped a few. And even when you pick THOSE up; more seem to appear. They're so GOOOD THOUGH!...=]
I havne't much to write about I'm just trying to kill time haha.
Ciao
<3M
I care too much; I would really love to tell B right now to FUCK OFF. but because he's the buddy that's always here for me; and steals my food; and gets weird now and again; i can't. He's too awesome hahaha.
That and I wish I didn't have to really deal with humanity; there's no survival of the fittest anymore it's survival of the android; which ever one can make it up the stairs first wins. We get it so easy now. we've all heard it from our parents or grandparents "I used to walk to school bare foot in the snow up hills both ways" and we've all rolled our eyes; and wish they would just knock it off because there's really a 90% chance they didnt anyways; but I wish we all had to; just one day; we'd be like "wow what the fuck!? i enjoy the little chinese boys more now for making these beastly shoes for me to prance around in!"
That is all; i'm much too hungover to get myself stuck in a controversy because someone is going to think i'm being racist when all i'm being is strictly stereotypical; that is all.
Peace
M.
Fanfuckintastic. I woke up; and I said "Mysti you need to go find a job" so what did I do? I went and filled out applications today. The gma found out about my piercing. Letting me keep it :] Went to the Rodeo as well; it was a fucking blast! Omg. I saw some old friends; I rode the mechanical bull; amazing hahaha. Such an adrenaline rush omg. Then danced a little;
I lit up a cigarette; and just as I did that Ray walked up. Looked at me all funny all I said was "I knoooww' hahaha. He's awesome. Then we went home after a while I FELT SO BAD I thought brandon had a ride; and he didn't. Oiii I felt like a dickhead; haha. I got home; and ray was like "Mom wants to talk to you; and after you visit her come visit me" haha so I did and he rolled a joint; and we smoked; and talked; bonding time. Bitchin! funnest time ever. Then tomorrow; I'mma party after work with ky & some other friends. It'll be fun. I'll just stay at ky's house; and i can walk to work the next day. Oii i have to pee but I don't wanna walk down my stadders (Note: Not stupid; just thats just the name we came up for the apparatus that allows me to enter my room. Theory: Stairs & A Ladder had sex; leading to the almost impossible when you're intoxicated to get up....Stadders. TADA!}
Oi Okay I need to go to bed haha
PEACE OUT!
Dresden dolls are my savior currently; I'm having one of those "Nothing realy matters anymore" days; and I'm aware of it; which is good; becuase I can think before I say something and stop before I say it and make it sound worse than it is. So marijuana isn't bad for you; I know this; or at least in my opinion but I haven't been the most sober of people in about a month and a half; I'm sure I'll end up hanging out with someone today; and get high that way since I ran out day before yesterday; it's becoming ridiculous. A little bit.
I really don't even feel like talking about what's made me feel this way; i just kind of woke up thsi way; then went through this huge argument between nana & I that would go on if I said anything about the dishes, in my head; and it upset me becuae I knew exactly how that would go; and ray would take her side. and excuse her actions with "well that's how she's always been; you dno't know half of it" I shouldn't have to know any of that ......bitter.
That's what I am today; bitter.
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Indeed I can; and absolutely frustrated with this man thing (vague term for the unknown status of the previously stated) of my friends. Putting me in awkward situations; and the possibility of conflict between my best friend. She's a great gal and she doesn't deserve this; she's made mistakes; but so has everyone else; and there's really no excuse for this; this is just one of the few frustrations currently.
The other is the Gma, and her new glued to the hip boyfriend. But of course; I'm the one with social problems I guess.
Problem One: Boys = Gay Fest. At least the gay ones. The ones that play the games they don't like to have them played on. I'm not a pawn on this chess board and I will not become one. It's frustrating and I wish it would fucking stop. Just return my mp3 player and.....stop calling? This all started a while back; when the flirting escapade happened with Dakota; then it just amplified after that with josh; really sucked because Ky & I stopped hanging out as much afterwards due to the fact it pissed her off more when I was around and he would do it: and I didn't need to be in that situation becuase it made me feel really awkward and on the spot. So I just stayed home after school more; and avoided him at all costs. she comes to my house more to say. I feel like all this is to piss off Ky which worked when I told her today over the phone. I feel terrible ruining her day. Though cleaning cabins didn't seem all that great in the first place. If he does show up again; I'll tell him straight up he needs to stop; Bros before hoes; and he's the hoe. Ky's my girl; (or bro becuase she's not a mushroom kind of guy :]) I just don't need this anymore; its' ridiculous. And dumb; and it's not fair to either one of us (ky & I) I hope she kicks him in the balls. hahaha.
Problem Two: The legacy of the grandmother/grand daughter saga continues; it went into intermission for about 2 months. I told her "I don't care if you date; just don't get married; and don't make me dependent on him" I should have included in the list "Don't become a bitch" It's obvious that she's happy and i'm happy she's happy; but the level of communication and the crying about "Oh you don't spend time with me" has ceased due to this man Oi....anyways; I'm not really included in any plans; and the new boyfriend (sherman) has been over VERY frequently. They went out yesterday; and they're now in st.cloud with my aunt that I don't get to see very often; and she didn't seem very enthused about me going this morning when I asked. And I already know if I say "Hey ever since you and Sherman have been dating more; we don't see eachother and i'm not included into too many of your plans" I willg et the response or...attack of "wlel when you date you don't include me in a lot of plans of yours either" I'm a teenager how many places would she want to go with me and my friends who just walk around town all the time; shes nver home anyways; so what does it really matter? It's a never ending war becuase I'll never get an apology or a legit "Hey okay we'll go out together just you and me' something will get "in the way" or "sherman dies" or something...okay that was harsh but still.
So this morning [the reasoning of this post and the last straw] I got up this morning to tell her "hey I don't have to go to work" and she's like "okay cool I can get going earlier" then I say " So I guess I can't go?" she says " I never said that" and I say "Well I don't feel very invited" and she says "well I'm not ocming home tonight" and I think "wow you'd have to go five miles out of your way to take me home..." I lay on the couch and think about all the time she's home she never spends any with me; except the half hour in the car with me to help me get my license which she didn't even drive me the last time. "DOn't make me dependent on him" As she has him driive me down to alex to see a friend....bitch. I don't know this is just...angering...I don't wanna deal with these stupid problems they're sort of petty in a way but they're not
I haven't really been sober in a month either. Wonderful huh? Yeah high everyday; today I have no more weed left smoked this morning after nana left...can't find my bowl; just my bong...I feel like i've really disapointed Ben when I told him that...I haven't been sober since just before he left...which is almost a month ago...I dont' think it's a problem..well maybe; but I dno't sit there and go "Wow I really need some weed" sometimes I go "i wish I had some" but i never NEED IT. It always comes to me; and through out this whole weed binge; I've only spent twenty bucks. So; at least I'm not living an expensive life. Spending money I don't have. I'm gonna go though
Peace
<3M
of this high right now; is incredible. the paintings look fantastic; and so do the lights. The smell of the room is pretty shady but i prevented any invaders in to my little sanctuary. I wish they wouldn't come up here; but oh well. Watched part of bugs...crazy. I couldn't watch it all at once. I'm glad I wasn't watching it with someone who talks through movies; i enjoyed it.
WHen I walk im not moving; it's the world floating under my feet spinning. That would be sweet. if walking on the ground was an illusion; you just spun the world....insane. I'm fuckin baked. hahaha.
Out of the almost month...i have been sober for about...five days....I think I need to cut back. I odn't know if it's me just filling something when i'm not high; or...i'm just not worrieda bout it all and i just smoke becuase i can. My lungs always feel relieved after i smoke a bowl;but...then again maybe that'sn ot the feeling of relief...but it feels good to me. I am talking like a retard. Fragments; and very poorly put together phrases. Yikes. I was thinking of happy vomits today....sounds weird; but there's ar eally good time behind it.
*flashback*
Justin & I wanted to surprise Ben. We told Nate to find a way to meet us; and make him surprised; soo we drove down there; and I guess Ben had been having a TERRIBLE day; and we met them at holiday station; and the look at ben's face when he saw me was so priceless he got out of the car and hugged me and kissed me; and jumped on nate's hood. it was a really happy moment. he spun me around so fast; and that mixed with the nerves of going down there; amde me sick so when we started moving in the car...i was like "stop I have to puke" lol; and I vomitted in the parking lot....and ben said they were Happy Vomits. hahaha..
I miss him. I really do; I notice his ways of showing he cares. It still gives me that motivation and when something is wrong he's concerned, he tries to hide it and I can tell;b ut after our talk a few nights back...I know he still does...:) I'm not going to sit here and be like "wah i can't have fun" becuase i totally can if I wanted to and to be honest about it with him;b ut i just don't really want to; I have better things to accomplish than a man in my life. Yup; i need to think of college and stuff; nana made it seem so far to reach; crazy. I couldn't help but think at the time "but what if I could move to seattle" *Slap* GO AWAY EIGTH GRADER! YOU HAVE LIFE TO LIVE> I hate that girl whens he comes into my head; There's no stable rleationship under my feet; nothing to say that he DOES care but one conversation; don't go thinking about some future iwth a boy you don't know about at the moment. "COLLEGE! GO TO COLLEGE!" smart responsible mysti. "I don't..really want to" Irresponsible Mysti; shows really no concern for much of anything...:] but luckily she didn't kcik in. anyways; i sound like a psycho talking about this..
i'm going to go.
Peace.
<3M