Posts (page 2)

I don't really have much subconscious writing today. :] But I do have to announce the last cigarette I just had....tasted like burnt popcorn. That would make anyone want to stop smoking. I couldn't even get through it all. haha. Last night was fun. Ky and Nermin came over, and we went to wal mart and they did their usual terrorizing of the premises, and I did the usual "OMG STOP!" and walking away from them. Then we went to DQ and they terrorized that place. hahaha. Then we went to my house, and Nermin and I scraped a bowl for rez because neither of us had any bud. :( That sucked soooooooo much.

JOSH FINISHED MY BONG!!! and my high ass forgot it at Ky's place. Dumb ass. it's sweet though. :] I wove it. can't wait to actually smoke out of it. I'm dying my hair a new color. I got bored with the blonde. It's purple/redish color it's pretty cool. It'll look sweet with my halo (black underneath the hair)

 

okay i've got nothing really interesting to talk about.

just trying to pass time haha.
Peace.

Get lost just to numb the emotions, allow me to breathe. words seem so useless. more and more i see that dark side you kept warning me about, the more lost I get lost into the music. Move me. use me. let every bass drum take me farther into this spiral of an impending doom. faster the drugs seem to appeal to the eye of the fool and even faster to the sane. Lay me down into this everlasting slumber. Let the words take no rhythm, rhyme or sense. Leave them open to interpretation. Define every moment with sincerity and uneducated guesses. The bread crumbs have been taken away and no longer can I find the way back to your ultimate reality, you're "hybrid" race, just let me stay in this infinite ecstasy and drink the finest of heroins. Let this foreshadow something great, something wonderful. Let it give me life to live, and experiences to take. I want to feel the pain of a starving child, the loss of something important, to feel no regret and absolute resentment for something beautiful. To feel the greatest amount of power over mind, and lose it in one breath. Grant me life to give and lessons to teach. but keep me sane. But then again what is sanity? Insanity = Obcession. That's just my theory.What does sanity mean...Can I get lost in it:? Can I see something good in this? What will it lead me too....nowhere. no just light up another one. Allow yourself to die with each inhale. Tell me to quit but frustrate yourself when I don't, or can't. Lost train of thought, and hopped on another one. this one is subtley crazy just casually sipping coffee, allowing it's self to think of ways to dissect every single thought. Break it down, and watch it die. Sanity. the ability to think with the crowd? that's not it. Secrets, lies, and cheats. We make the world go round. Heroin could kill you but may be all need the experience of a true intense addiction to really live life? Trust does it exist, and does it exist another soul Maybe just a prescription or a drug dealr. You can always trust a bottle of prescriptions to never wake you up in the morning. You can always trust the drug dealer to keep hooking you up until you die just for your money, and never come to your funeral. 

 

Art define it. Everything. get lost. That's what I find myself doing everyday. Turn on the music and start to write think. I always tap into you. You've taught me so much. oh well. move on. eyes burning. exhaustion. What am I really feeling? Annoyed a bit. Wish I could have some feed back. You were real. but maybe thats what you wanted from me. more feed back. I'm so taken back by everyword you speak, I have nothing to say. I said I'd quit, but I have no reason to now. You're gone. Not much of a reason for anyything. time seems to be flying past. No room fo rmuch of anything. thoughts seem to clutter and I couldn't begin to tell you which approached me first. I need canvas. And paint. expensive how I've chosen to live. but I'll make it. and the bomb goes off like that, in an instant every feeling, memory, true thought, and lie comes out. It's an intense experience and I'm not going to let it fly from you. I'm on a constant thinking rampage. waging war  upon myself and reality. Absolutely shocked what flows out of my body through the toxic ink, and on to the problem causing paper Webs of mystery and subconscious riddles. Melodies of dreams and wishes, the world can relate to. Don't break this single breath. Let everyting exist for as long as possible. exaggerate every gesture and move. but don't abuse the privelege of life.

Dead. Gone. Nothing amongst the living will know. this type of loneliness I feel as though, you'll never know who I am all the while I'm not writing this. Slowing realizing I'm tapping into that place that you hate where I go. you see right through the screaming face and aching handes made of acrylic and oil. pain. The pastel blends I fade into my favorite place. You were the only one I would allow into my sanctuary. No one really puts two and two together when it comes to our relationship, mostly because I hide you from everyone. You could say I'm a little posessive when it comes to you, and I'm sorry but I truly don't feel safe sharing this love we have. I go into this place that lets everything flow, and when i ahve to write I have to write.

I slept in incredibly late. I feel so crappy now. I hate sleeping late. Oh well. Today is Denelly & I's last day to hang out. :( Oh well. At least I got to see her. that's the best thing. I'm going to try to find a way out of here and get a trip to Montana. :] We really wanna party on our birthdays. We talked about a five day party, because my birthday is the eleventh, and hers is the sixteenth. It would be really fun. Too much drinking though. Oiii. hahaha.

I can't wait to get back home though. i really wanna see brandon again, I miss that kid. :] I should call him today. And Definitely Ky. I HAVE to call her when I get back, surprisingly I msis her too...hahahaha. Just kidding Ky. I wove you. Cahrazy, i'm so tired. I need to have a cigarette...or a bowl. Cigarette for now...bowl later. lol.

 

So trippiest thing happend. Yes I was stoned, but this doesn't matter. We were blowing smoke into a gatorade bottle, and I saw a man in the smoke screaming, pressing up against the bottle cap, and i was like "OH MY GOD OPEN THE BOTTLE LET HIM OUT" and Denelle & Casey just laughed there ass off at me, and i'm like no seriously open the bottle. And Casey did, and after that we kept blowing smoke and they kept asking me if he was in there, but i told them, NO DUH we let him out and now he's free. :]

 

That was my trip of the day...week. Whatever. I hate sleeping twelve hours. Yucky.

Peace.

So I'm sure not everyone is looking for an update, but i'm going through blogging withdrawels. I've been doing well, I'm moved into my new house, and it's amazing. I'm so happy with it. The size is perfect, and I love my room. It's not as spacious, I feel really at home there. it's great.

I've only gotten to live there for about a week before I was sent down to ...wherever i am currently residing in Madison. It's by the SD borders. it's intense. I've been spending my time with my best girl Denelly g. I love that woman. Its' been raining alot, and Casey (her cousin) has been spending the night, and it's never been dull.

today was kind of bland though, I didn't preticularly want to go spend half of my day an hour away to go thrifting, but i did find some good garage sales around town and i got a few new shirts. i look...CUUUUTe in them :] I didn't do my hair like I normaly do today, omg i'm rambling sooo much :]

I am..addicted to the new Britney Spears CD. It's amazing. It's ty's fault too. :]

Oi...Thursday (last thursday) was...AW\KWARD. I came oever to Bens' place so I'd have somewhere to go while I waited for DG to get into town. Well...he was asleep so I woke him up...and he gave me a hug, and then it went from there...yeah...i knew that shouldn't have happened, because I really feel like nothing really meant anything...it was just our teenage hormones kicking in....we're totally nymphos when it comes to eachother...so it's no surprise that it happened but still. Ohw ell at least it wasn't a random guy, and I got some break up sex. I look it at that way, or be depressed,  I think I'll choose to find humor in this. I haven't heard from Curious in a really long time. I wonder what happened. It was after our last chat. rather not get into that. oh well...people come and go.

I'm going to go though.

Not much privacy and I need a smoke.

Peace.

 

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.

I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.


It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it.


It's your grace and it keeps me grounded.


I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.


Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

While you were sleeping I figured out everything,
I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.


You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.

(Oh)

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

(I really do)
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.


Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

 

Best song ever. :]

♥

I'm so thrilled that school is over, and I'll be moving into my new house tomorrow. I'm so excited. i hate this house, and I feel like I"m getting a totally fresh start now. I passed all my classes, Next year, I'm going to work hard, and keep my grades up. Try to get my grade point average up as well. At least get it above two. I hate having a 1 point something. Then after tihs weekend I get to see my BESTEST FRIEND in the whole wide frickin world. God I msis her so much, I can't wait....I'm going to tackle her. haha. I also get to see some other old friends, like Travis, Ben, Dodds, YB, maybe even Jay. haha.I hope I can see Ethan too. That would be so sweet to see the guys again. Then when I come back, I'm going to get my driving hours in, and then take my test. I hope I pass. I'm really nervous about it. I fell asleep on the deck again. I'm probalby going to be burned but oh well. At least I'll get tanned. I wish my legs would tan faster though haha.

God I'm so happy right now. Nothing could ruin my day. Spill Canvas is playing, and the sun is shining, and I passed classes. YAY.I feel kind of bad that I couldn't make it to Travis's graduation. This morning started out kind of rough, but I got through it. I was getting really crabby if it didn't improve, but it did. I could use a soda. I need to lose weight. I'm not fat, but I'm a little over. I could stand losing a few pounds. I think I'll go for a jog actually after this. That sounds like a good idea. ..but I packed my shoes...DAMN IT! maybe just a walk tonight, then tomorrow when I unpack, I'll go for a jog. That sounds good. :] I can take the dogs out tonight. Maybe not Lady, I don'tk now how her legs would hold up..so maybe just Heidi.

I fuckin LOVE Spill Canvas, It's one song after another, just great fucking music. Sometimes I feel like they're singing my life, it's just so insane how well the songs go with certain situations, and how I feel. :] slakdmfa;ioewm WEEEEEEEEE i wanna go to their concert. I should figure out when that is. Oh well, I'm going to go feed the dogs then take one of them for a walk.

Peace
M.

Alanis Morrisette speaks the truth. I was excited to be single kind of at first. But now it's kind of lame, but I contradict myself becuase I don't want anyone. It's...ridiculous. but I love it. I kind of looked at it, Ben and I took care of eachother, for the msot part. I did mostly but then again, I'm really independent so I didn't mind it so much when he didn't but if I was sick, had a migraine, or I had a lot of things to do. He'd help me. Hold me and lie there for hours while I slept off a migraine. He was so sweet. Oh well, at least he's still my bestest buddy haha. He's a great guy. of course if he were to get a girlfriend in Seattle....I'd probably be the most jealous bitch ever.  I just wonder if he would ever open up to someone like he did to me again. I know him so well,  I'm the first he ever opened to, which is really cool. He's not the first person I've opened up to, but he is the first person, that I have let into my world completely and let him know everything, the meaning behind every painting, the point of everything I said, the reasoning for everything I thought of. He was genuine. I love him very much still. But I have moved on. I'm really happy now. I'm so glad we've started talking again.

I've just finished pakcing MOST of my stuff. I'm just gonna wait till we get the furniture out before I really clean. becuase it will just become a mess again anyways. I still have artwork on my door that i need to pull down, a poster, and a coexist sign we made in school. I'm so glad the warm weather is here. The trees are starting to bloom, and more and more green grass is appearing, just I wish I had some of the smokeable type. Oi. can't wait to get an eigth in Alex. Best ever.

I finished The Heroin Diaries today. Clinton was surprised that I finished the book so quickly. I couldn't put it down. Just some parts were hard to get through because it was exactly what my dad did, (some of it) and it just tapped into a lot of memories But Nikki Sixx's journey through life thus far, is absolutely...mind blowing. There's a few entries in there that absolutely bored me, but it also gave you an insight as to what goes through a heroin addict's mind. I would read it again. Most definitely would read it again.

I have an idea for another art piece, buuuuttt...it will take A LOT OF SPACE. I want to recycle my prom dress into a sculpture. There's this artist, I need to find out her name, but she did it with her wedding dress. and I think it would really cool with my prom dress. :] She suspended it up in the air, and made it look like the dress was in the middle of exploding. like someone put it on pause. it's so amazing. I just wanna do it to push my patience. and who knows maybe it will turn out really nicely. I never realized how much art work i had. until I piled it up in the living room today. I can't tell ya how many art pieces there are. I need to sell some...get some moolah. It's needed lately. Normally I wouldn't care, but still. Plus I need to get my artwork out,  get some recognition.

I feel like showering but the again, i'm too lazy to do anything I kind of want to take a nap. I'm VERY tired. Maybe I'll take a nap. I need to feed the dogs though, and finish washing the rest of the dishes. Fuuuuuuckin ay. Oi...This means...no internet for a while after tomorrow :( bummer. Oh well. At least I'l have an amazing new room, and not such a big ass house.

Peace
M.

one more god damn day, and I'm a senior. Then it's ...one more year. ONE MORE. Everyone keeps telling me that my plan after highschool is pretty much bunk because I want to take a year off of school, and they keep telling me that I will  never go back, but they clearly don't see my ambition to get through college. I'm hoping i pass my final...I really am. I CANNOT fail any classes. I just can't. I want to graduate so bad, if I have to, I'll take a summer class, but I just CAN'T fail this.

So I bought a package of green tea (my cocaine pretty much) I love it. Anyways, the expiration date is August 11th, which is my birthday. I wonder if it's a foreshadowing to my impending doom! Of course when I started joking about this my friend had to add on to then get me freaked out. So, I hope I don't die on my birthday, but I would love the irony. "Well should we celebrate or mourn today?" People could alternate every year. haha.

I work Saturday, I wanna see if she'll let me work Sunday morning too. That would be nice. I want some extra cash to have down in Parkers. I'm SO excited to see my Denelly. I haven't seen her since last year. She's my home girl. I love the crap out of her. She'll be my home girl to the very end. I get to see Ben. Yes I know the last blog about him, was....a bit hostile and angry. But I was overreacting, I just been fucked over by not only him, but a couple other people, and my cup was over flowing, and he was the last person to piss me off. But we had a nice chat the other night, and he's been talking to me on a regular basis, Which is nice, and a lot more relieving.

He called me and started out: "I will admit I have been drinking but this is probalby the only time I'll allow myself to tell you this" and I listen and he tells me "The past week thsi has been killing me alot lately, and I need to tell you, that I miss you like mad, and I do still care about you, I do ALOT, and I'll always love you. I act the way I do becuase I dont want you hurting, and I dno't call all the time becuase I dont want you to get attached again, but I do love you. I love you so much" and I start to cry, and he tells me not to, and says "I love you" and I waited for a couple minutes, and said "I love you too"  "really? still?" "yes, i don't think i ever will stop loving you" after this we bullshit for a little, talk about everything, and his phone dies, :( So he calls me back on his roommate's phone to tell me I love you and goodnight. It was cute. Then he called me the night before, and he slipped a couple times and called me babe, which I didn't mind, it was nice to hear again, he apologized for it.  I tell him to not worry about it, but he still does. I think it's kind of cute. We talked forever that night till like 4 in the morning. About anything and everything, we fell asleep on the phone too. He called me last night too, drunk again. I was fucked up on these pills I took, so we made quite the pair last night.

He's cute. I can't wait to see him again. Anyways, I'm really hungry and I have to pack BECAUSE I'M MOVING OUT OF THIS SHITTY HOUSE!!! YAY! Anyways laters.

Peace.
M.

Apparently not in this school. Vox seems to be the only thing I can get online to. It's so fucking stupid. Ugh. can't even learn about drugs, and if you have to do an essay on a certain topic then you're screwed becuase EVERYTHING IS BLOCKED!!!!

It's been 20 minutes and I'm already driven nuts but people. This is absolutely nuts. I don't understand why girls have to ACT stupid in order for people to "like them" stupidity isn't attractive. I have a low GPA, and average grades, but I'm not stupid. I just don't like teachers, and their assignments.

Peace Corps has been on my mind a lot lately. Been reading stories of other volunteers, I've been interested in them for a long time, just my interested died a little when I had high hopes for a different future, that didn't last. Anyways, my interest has peaked once again. And this time I won't let anyone get in the way of that idea. I made myself a vague plan, I think it will work as long as I get my grades up and I get accepted to a college. That will be amazing. I'll be the second to go to college in my family.

• Community College for two years majoring and minoring in business & liberal arts. This is so I have some education to be able to be of some use in volunteering in the peace corps.I still have to look into that and see how that will work. I don't know, I haven't TOTALLY checked into all of this plan,I think I'll talk to Ms. Collins today or whenever it is that she's in school.
• Peace Corps. The assignments are 27 months, I get vacation time. It's really interesting becuase they assign you to a place where your experience is most needed, and you have an allowance that allows you to live like your surrounding "village" or where ever you go. I got kind of freaked out when I read a guy's story, and he had mentioned that some of the other volunteers had gotten malaria, and some other diseases. And when my assignment is over, I'm sent home with 6,000 dollars to start up my new life. Sounds fair to me. As long as when I come back, the world isn't blown up, and gas doesn't cost 80 bucks a gallon haha.
• Then start working on my masters degree to become an art teacher. I really think it's something I want to do. I love art, and I really don't think going to school to be a "professional artist" is the way to go. The only way I can live off of that sort of  career is if I hit it big, and that's a big chance to take. spending 60,000 dollars on college (if not that more) and hoping I get famous, isn't something I want to do.  I think I want to teacher college though, if not that, then....higher classman in highschool. I'm not sure I could deal with a bunch of little people haha. but it would be nice to changes people's perspective on art. Once your in college, and art is your major, you're pretty serious about it.

 

So that's what I planned out..thus far. I'm going to leave.

Peace.

 

Balls. It's an amazing exclamatory. I should be working on my novel project, once again, unproductive, but at least I'm passing all my classes.

Question of the day: Can you be a scientologist and a neo-nazi at the same time?

 

We've decided to change our religion every hour. This hour I'm a muslim. Woot. Due to our lack of care for one other person, and their stupidity and our high rate of sarcasm and asshole-ness. People irritate me. I wish I could make up stories so people would feel bad for me. oi...

one more year. one more year and I can escape. [ess-scop-eh!]

 

 

Historical quote by Jessi: "It's also rude to kidnap people did you know that?"

NO! OMG!

hahaha.

Peace.